For those of you who don’t know who Ari Gold is, he is the loud mouthed, F bomb dropping, brash and outspoken movie agent in the HBO series, Entourage. I use him as an example of how to build confidence, because it’s oozing out of every pore in his body.
When I talk about confidence, it shouldn’t be confused with cockiness. That’s usually just a cover for one’s insecurities (or having a small dick).
Confidence means being sure of yourself despite your shortcomings, because we all have them. It means knowing that you have something valuable to offer the world regardless of what others say.
It’s not just something guys need to get laid, it runs much deeper and affects every aspect of your life.
Why You Have No Confidence
Being a single dad who has probably gone through a good amount of heartache and emotional stress, it’s understandable that your confidence is shot.
I mean, you chose to spend your life with one woman and failed to keep that commitment. Of course it takes two to make or break a marriage but many guys blame themselves for the failure or worse yet, have let their ex’s convince them that it was their fault.
And with separation and divorce comes depression, sadness, and a whole host of other emotions that have a negative impact on your psyche.
It’s easy to get lost in eating Twinkies and drinking beers every night when you miss your kids, wonder if you made the right decision, and/or are unsure of your future. It’s a fucking emotional roller coaster and you got fat.
And you know all too well that being fat is a confidence killer, probably the biggest one of all.
A few of the tell tale signs that you’re lacking in the confidence department are:
- Having difficulty making/sticking with decisions
- Feeling inferior to others, especially attractive/fit people
- Constantly feel judged by others
- Afraid of criticism
- Using self-deprecating humor
- Hard time accepting compliments
- Justifying your actions
- Taking feedback too personally
- Don’t feel good enough/worthy
A lack of confidence isn’t just killing your chances of getting laid, it much deeper than that. It can affect every aspect of your life, including your future relationships, your parenting competence, your career, your health, and your ability to be happy.
In short, it can royally fuck your world up.
Thus the extreme importance to become a more confident man.
Keep in mind that low confidence can lead to anxiety, stress, fear, depression, and self-loathing. None of which will do you or your kids any good.
It is in our very nature to feel strong, powerful, and in control; none of which happen when we are lacking confidence.
At our most basic level, men want to be attractive to women. Even if you aren’t ready to start dating again, at some point you will be.
And this is what women see when you have little or no confidence:
And this is how they see you when you have it
Ever notice that there are some guys who just exude confidence in everything they do? I’ve come across these types my whole life and for the most part they aren’t the best looking, smartest, most talented, or wealthy guys. But they act like they are.
I’ve seen it time and again. A dude at a bar talking to the best looking women not because he is good looking, but because he has the confidence to talk to her. He is not afraid to get turned down and 9 times out of 10, he won’t.
Again, it’s not about being cocky or not giving a fuck, it’s about owning who you are, knowing your self worth and letting the world know it. Nothing wrong with that.
From Geek To Chic
In my twenties, I was an arrogant and smug son of a bitch, but I wasn’t always that way.
I grew up as the typical 98-pound weakling and never dated (or even kissed a girl) throughout high school. I didn’t go to prom and I had zero game and basically it was because my teeth looked like Steve Buscemi’s and I had the body of an 11 year old girl, but that’s besides the point.
So when I hit puberty in my twenties (don’t laugh) and my body started to change (thank you World Gym), I began to grow my confidence.
And as I started to outgrow my 80’s Patrick Dempsey look, I soon found myself with an influx of willing and able females to hook up with. And I made up for lost time and became what you would call a “player”. And it went to my head and I thought I was the shit.
Looking back, I was just an arrogant prick, which is not what being confident is all about. I didn’t have the confidence, just an inflated ego that was set to burst. And it did. But that’s another story..
After I got married in 2004, my confidence started on a slow and steady decline due a number of factors including a spouse who had little respect for me and preferred to tell me what I wasn’t versus what I was.
I know many of you were in a similar situation and over the course of years, that can have a huge impact on how you view yourself and it had a profound affect on me as well.
When you trust a person; THE person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter and they tear you down, it hurts. A lot. Sometimes the damage can last for many years and cause you to fall short in many areas of your life.
I lived well below my capabilities for years and it cost me dearly.
Not a good way to live.
A friend of mine who saw me shortly after my separation was shocked to see how my confidence had all but disappeared. I once had been a very confident guy but it had been happening for so long that I didn’t even realize it was gone.
Now, three years later, I can see exactly what they were talking about.
Since then, I’ve worked very hard on myself and like to think of myself as a confident man now. It’s a great feeling.
How To Build Confidence and Take Your Life Back
Whatever happened between then and now has sapped your confidence and left you feeling inferior, timid, and possibly even powerless. And that feeling fucking sucks. Believe me, I know it well.
Confidence isn’t something that you can just snap your fingers at and it’s done. Just as it took years for you to lose it, it will take time to get it back.
Life is meant to be lived with exuberance so how can you grab life by the balls when you don’t even feel like you have a pair?!?
And although the moniker “fake it till you make it” is popular and can work in some situations, I think the best way to work up your self esteem and confidence is to practice the things that will help you do just that.
Like with everything, it comes down to habits. Bad ones will keep you broke, fat, and unconfident. Good ones will keep you happy, fit, and feeling self-assured.
And if you don’t know how to build confidence, I’m going to tell you.
Here are 10 things you should be doing:
1. Training. Hard.
You can’t help to not feel great after a great workout. Looking good (or feeling like you look good) are HUGE for confidence. Don’t underestimate the power of a bulging bicep.
2. Dressing better.
Stop wearing NFL jerseys and Crocs. Dress for your body and like you actually care what people think. And for the love of God, get rid of those fucking dad jeans.
3. Straightening up.
Poor posture will make you look like shit. Bring those shoulders back, stand up tall, and walk with purpose. Also, try these exercises to help. We spend much of our lives hunched over desks or in cars and it wreaking havoc on our shoulders, necks, and backs. Strengthen them and stretch them and you’ll look (and feel) 10X better.
4. Finding what you’re great at.
What are you good at? What can you get better at? What are your natural talents and gifts? Use these to your advantage. Being highly competent at something will do amazing things to your confidence.
If you don’t excel at something, find something you’d like to and then do it. Owning something, whether it’s playing the guitar or solving the Rubik’s Cube, is a very powerful tool.
5. Becoming more productive.
Find a way to get more meaningful shit done in your day. I’m not talking about just being busy, I mean doing things that will make your life better.
6. Eating better food.
Whoppers are not conducive to feeling good. If you don’t feel good physically, it will carry over into how your present yourself. Eating a fresh supply of lean meats, fish, fruits, veggies, and nuts will make you feel far more alive and energetic.
Being in the service of others is a phenomenal way to boot your feeling of self worth. Just go down to a local homeless shelter and help dish out lunch, it’s an amazing feeling and is truly a win-win.
8. Starting to forgive yourself.
You’ve made bad decisions and maybe they’ve put you in a bad spot. That’s OK. Live and learn. Now accept that you can’t control it and realize that you’re human. Take it as a life lesson and move on.
9. Stopping negative self-talk and start being positive.
Your thoughts control your actions and who you ultimately become, so make them positive ones. If you keep telling yourself you’re a failure, you will be one. You do have good qualities and probably a lot of them. What are they? And if you really don’t know how to answer this, ask someone close to you. They’ll tell you..
10. Getting out of your comfort zone.
One of the best things you can do for your confidence is to do something you are afraid of. Hate public speaking? Join Toastmasters. Petrified of rejection? Ask a stranger for her phone number.
Why Confidence is So Important
By now you should understand how to build confidence and why it’s so important and here a few main points to remember:
- It will improve your relationships
- It will improve your health
- It will make you feel better about your place in this world
- It will kill your fear of criticism
- It will help you grow personally
- It will help your career
- It will improve your quality of life
- It will get you laid more (hey, this is important too!)
Like I said, having confidence is not about being arrogant or cocky. Be a good person, do the right things, take care of yourself physically and emotionally and and you’ll be amazed at what happens.
Don’t spend another day feeling inferior.